VvV "Cold Front" mini-comic - "You need better genes.' [Archive] - YoJoe.com Forums

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Ridureyu
10-08-2004, 02:05 AM
WARNING: LONG POST ALERT


Since the Mini-comic included with VvV Wave 4 figures is indeed a genuine comic, ostensibly written by Larry Hama, and is, well... one of the more "interesting" pieces of Joe literature when you really look at it closely, I've decided to give it my two cents. Since most of the things that normally appear in a review are details that anybody can pick up on, I've decided to devote this page-by-page review to all of the "uniwue" little tidbits that people may or may not notice. It might also help to actually have the comic in front of you, sicne I'm going to make jokes about the artwork.


Front Cover:

-To start with, General Hawk seems to either be sleeping, or stoned. Based on Gung-Ho's shifty "they'll never find me out" expression right below him, I'm going to vote on the latter. Is our favorite Cajun giving the Headman a little bit of competition these days?

-The little face-off between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow really cracks me up, mainly because Snake Eyes is about to shoot Stormy in the back. Storm Shadow is obviously in one of his "I am ninja" cape-in-the-wind poses, while Snake Eyes is quietly loading his uzi, eyeing the best spot on Storm Shadow to ventilate.

(If he could speak) "that's blood? I thought it was just part of his uniform! He must've fallen on some bullets by accident!

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't these characters' filecards indicate that they don't actually want to kill each other? They keep "trying" to, but doesn't their former friendship get in the way? Either way, I guess Snakey's gotten fed up with the rivalry over the years, or maybe Stormy just hasn't payed off his gambling debts.


Page 1:

-"Somewhere in northern Minnesota..."

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that Minnesota was a decently-populated state. In contrast with, say, northern Alaska, the Sahara Desert, or a Ricky Martin concert, I'd say that Minnesota isn't exactly the best place to hide a super-secret terrorist base that's filled with an army of mutants. You know, the whole "Anybody can find it" factor would be kind of disconcerting, if you ask me.

-Before I go any further, I'd like to make a comment about the dialogue in this comic. Now, I perfectly understand that for marketing purposes they need to amke sure that every character and vehicle is named, but can't they be a little more subtle? To better illustrate my point, I'll use a small conversation that happened this morning at work.

Me: "Morning, Mike. What's new?"
Mike: "Nothing really. Hey, John, you look a little under the weather. Are you okay?"
Me: "I didn't get enough sleep last night."

Now, here's the very same conversation, only JOE-IZED:

Me: "Morning, MIKE L. STEPHENS, what's new with your work on OUR CD AUDIO PRODUCT?'
Mike: Nothing new, JOHN R. MOREY. You look a little under the weather - will your job as PROOFREADER suffer?"
Me: "I didn't get enough sleep in my OVERSIZED BED last night."

See what I mean?


-I think that the Zulus should sue the US military for royalties, and in turn get money from everyone in any army-based movie or cartoon ever made. "Victor-Zulu!"


Page 2:

-The silly conversation pops up again in the first panel, but more importantly we get our first appearance of Storm Shadow, one of the "most dangerous men in the world." And, like a perfectly good ninja, he's driving a tank.

-Now, I'm quite familiar with the "it's okay to shoot robots" factor in GI Joe, but am I the only person who noticed that Gung-Ho seems a little intent on ventilating Overkill, too? Note that the bullets take out his windshield, and it seems that they score quite a few direct hits on the guy. Of course, if I were as deformed as Gung-Ho is in that panel, I'd be a little upset, too.


Page 3:

-And so, Snake Eyes makes his appearance, accompanied by the roaring cheer of thousands of fanboys. And what's his intro? "Snake Eyes is gonna go NINJA on all of them!" Hello? Go ninja? I'm sure that it's hard to come up with snappy one-liners while in the heat of battle, but couldn't Gung-Ho have done better than this? I mean, nobody was saying anything when he was "going marine all over them," or when the BATs were "going robot' all over the place. Why "going ninja?"

-And here's Snake Eyes' expert battle strategy to take out all of the killer robots: Vault up onto the tank, stick his sword beneath him, and kick them once. Call me stupid, but is kicking really the best way to permanently deactivate a giant killer machine? But then, none of these BATs ever show up again in the comic, even though not all of them were hit by Snake Eyes' killer kick, so I guess we can assume that their lunch break came up, and they spent the rest of the day at Wienerschnitzel.


Page 4:

-The highlight of this page is the mighty duel between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. The two most dangerous men in the world. Awesome rivals whose struggle eclipsed all of the GI Joe comic series. And so, with a mighty "Ponk!," Stormy enters the fray. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the two supposed to be equal? Apparently, today is Storm Shadow's bad day, since he's sidelined by a single jump kick. True, it would be a little confusing for the average human if their opponent suddenly jumped twenty feet in the air, but to my understanding this is commonplace for those two. So, wouldn't it stand to reason that Storm Shadow wouldn't be standing there with a "duuuuh" look on his face... or at least move two and a half steps to the side during Snake Eyes' five-second "zooshing" leap? Of course, this kick evidently did so much damage that...


Page 5:

-...Storm Shadow is left wobbling and flailing from a single flying kick. My guess is that either he has serious inner ear problems, or maybe he just got a boo-boo on his head and is having a tantrum. The world may never know.

-Of course, Overkill makes his second observation that the tank can't travel on ice, announcing to the whole world that the Joe team is safe. I didn't mention that he already told them how to escape earlier, but this time he's just being stupid.

-Speaking of the cyborg, he had told Storm Shadow that he would have taken care of Snake Eyes, but he was too busy "driving." Notice that with a single cry of "Arrrgh!," Overkill is tossed from the tank. I guess his bullet wounds really slowed him down, or maybe OVERKILL's just full of hot air.


Page 6:

-VENOMOUS MAXIMUS!!! Yep, it's the "money shot" of the comic, where the ultimate V-trooper makes his grand appearance. Note that Venomous Maximus is more than definitely depicted as being separate from Hawk in the comic, unless we've got a serious "Secret Window" thing going on.

Venomous Maximus: "You stole my story, Abernathy. Right is right, and done is done."


-Now, I know that VM isn't exactly the most handsome character on the face of the planet, but why is it that in this picture he looks like a cross between half of Siegfried & Roy, and the Incredible Hulk? Also, his bleeding, mutated, monster arm just looks red and swollen in this panel. He really needs to get it looked at.

-One more thing. Take a close look at Venomous Maximus' diologue right here. That's right - he had spent six whole hours at the bottom of the river, waiting for the Joe team to arrive. Now, isn't this kind of a gamble? I mean, this is NORTHERN MINNESOTA, after all. What if the Joes went east instead of west? Just how long would VM have spent sitting down there with nothing but a deci of cards to keep himself busy? and seriously, was he actually lying in wait, or had he just been lurking there for no apparent reason? Some questions just don't have answers, I guess.


Page 7:

-Overkill: "Ha! It's Venomous Maximus, the ultimate V-trooper!"

Thanks, Overkill. And all this time I thought it was Thor on a bad hair day. Actually, how can Overkill recognize VM, since he's kind of several yards away, face down in the snow, and Venomous Maximus is in the tinted cockpit of a vehicle? We never see Overkill again, so maybe he's up in heaven, and looking down from his Minnesota ground-colored cloud.


-I would really like to know what Storm Shadow means by "No! What are you doing? I guess that he's asking Snake Eyes why he's about to use the tank's cannons to murder Venomous Maximus (Remember? Only robots and people that Larry Hma hates can die), but I really think that it's something more along the lines of "No, you idiot! You're gonna crash it!" Mind you, it's a moot point...

-...As Storm Shadow demonstrates his amazing ninja skills by trying to grab Snake Eyes in a tackle choke hold that wouldn't even make a football player proud. Really, what's the deal with Stormy in this comic? Is Fred VII impersonating him, or something?


Page 8:

-Wow. Just wow. The comic ends with something that I'm still trying to piece together. Evidently, Snake Eyes wasn't really trying to shoot Venomous Maximus, he was instead accellerating the tank, making it jump forty feet in the air (mind you, this thing was too heavy to do anything a few moments ago), and go crashing directly into Venomous Maximus' Stingraider. Since when can tanks pick up enough speed to do this? Even if it could reach a speed of, say, 80 miles per hour, it wouldn't be able to jump off a small hill-ramp like that, and even then it couldn't pick up so much speed in only a couple of yards. Snake Eyes really has some amazing ninja skills to pull this off. Of course, there goes the Venomous Maximus threat - there's not a lot that animal genes can do for you when you're hit by several tons of flaming metal.

-Gung Ho: "Nice one, Snake Eyes.'

No kidding. Snake Eyes broke the laws of physics just to show off for you, Gung-Ho. You'd better be grateful!


-I love how Kamakura and Nameless Pilot are upset that all the good guys survived intact. They really wanted to shoot some Cobras, but those Joes had the audacity to not get captured! Really, people these days are just plain rude.

-And finally, Storm Shadow blames the embarrassing defeat on Venomous Maximus' DNA. You know, let's analyze this for a moment. Stormy probably only survived by jumping free of the flying tank at the last moment, but Venomous Maximus was trapped inside his stingraider as the vehicles collided, visibly exploded, and assumedly sank to the bottom of the river. Considering that VM had survived intact, evidently tore himself out of the wreckage, and swam to the surface, I think that getting "better DNA" isn't exactly the issue here. I like how the crash miraculously removed some of the ugly from VM's face, though. It's kind of funny how major collisions can do that sometime.


Overall:

Well, we have a murderous Gung-Ho, the weakest Storm Shadow ever, and the statement that surviving an explosion and being crushed by tons of metal just isn't good enough. Add some of the dialogue to that, the disappearing BATs (And, if you think about it, Overkill kind of disappeared for no reason, too), and we've got ourselves a winner. I still don't know what anybody was doing out there aside from a nebulous comment about looking at a base and being a Cobra prisoner, but at least it's good for a laugh or two. And honestly, I think that we should all try implimenting JOE-IZED speech into our daily conversations. Anyway, I need to hit the YO-JOE FORUM post button with my GATEWAY LAPTOP KEYBOARD, and finally submit this huge post. Enjoy!

Graz73
10-08-2004, 07:53 AM
That was a great review, YO JOE FORUM MEMBER RIDUREYU.

Ridureyu
10-08-2004, 03:14 PM
Thank you, GRAZ73.

GILTYONE
10-08-2004, 05:42 PM
But enjoyed post, good reading.

Obiwanjacoby
10-25-2004, 01:16 PM
What everyone else said. . .!

:D

-PJ

orionlukteel
10-25-2004, 03:16 PM
LOL Great in-depth review - just take creative license (and lots of it) into account, epecially concerning the kiddies who may or may not be reading it when they rip the packs open for the figures. :D



Page 1:

-"Somewhere in northern Minnesota..."

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that Minnesota was a decently-populated state. In contrast with, say, northern Alaska, the Sahara Desert, or a Ricky Martin concert, I'd say that Minnesota isn't exactly the best place to hide a super-secret terrorist base that's filled with an army of mutants. You know, the whole "Anybody can find it" factor would be kind of disconcerting, if you ask me.


Actually, barring Superior and Ely, and maybe a few others sprinkled near the Canadian border, there's a LOT of area in Northern Minnesota that ain't city. There are a lot of places you wouldn't necessarily *want* to go looking for a hidden base. :D

Went on a two-week canoeing trip in the Boundary Waters, and besides the moose and bears, there wasn't a whole lot of activity. Bonus points if that base is underwater. :p

Besides that, the review was time well-spent reading. Thanks!

Ridureyu
10-25-2004, 04:43 PM
Well, true. I used to live in Pennsylvania, and there were plenty of places there where you could hide a large base with mutants in it (I swear I knew somebody who looked just like Ripper's current incarnation).

But then... you could also conceivably hide in Upstate New York, too. Heck, Southern California has some empty sections. I was just commenting on the "somewhere in minnesota" part.